经典英语笑话全集2017
近年来,冷笑话作为一种新兴的语言现象在网络、杂志上十分盛行。下面是阳光网小编精心收集的关于经典英语小笑话段子，希望大家喜欢!
关于经典英语小笑话段子篇一
My mother and a group of her friends were discussing housecleaning. Mom, who dislikes the task，stated in a matter-of-fact way,”Oh，I'm giving it up. I'm going to let the dirt build up. Then I'll call the police， report a burglary, and let them come and dust for fingerprints.”
妈妈和几个朋友在谈论打扫房于的事。妈妈不喜欢干这项工作，她讲出了一个可行的办法。“噢，我现在已不干了，我让灰尘积攒下去，然后给警寨局打个电话，就说我家丢了
东西。他们为了找指纹，就会把一切都打扫干净的。”
关于经典英语小笑话段子篇二
穿错了
I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrowing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us at the time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.
在陪儿子上幼儿园的第一天，我怒打扮一下自己。我打算从妹妹那儿借身外衣，她年径而且时髦。妹妹和我们住在一起。我们有约在先，不经过对方的同意不能拿别人的东西。但那时她仍在睡觉。于是，我从她的衣拒里轻径拿走几条短裤和一件村衣，本想趁她没醒来时再放回去。
To my surprise .she was awake when I got back, but she didn't mention the clothes. We chatted about Jason's introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，"And how did Jason's teacher like my pajamas?"
让我吃惊的是，当我送儿子去幼儿园回来后，妹妹已经醒了。但她没找衣服的事儿。我们聊了聊儿子吉森在幼儿园做自我介绍的情况。最后，妹妹笑着并不动声色地问:“吉森的'老师觉得我的睡衣怎徉?”
关于经典英语小笑话段子篇三
穿错了
I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrowing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us at the time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.
在陪儿子上幼儿园的第一天，我怒打扮一下自己。我打算从妹妹那儿借身外衣，她年径而且时髦。妹妹和我们住在一起。我们有约在先，不经过对方的同意不能拿别人的东西。但那时她仍在睡觉。于是，我从她的衣拒里轻径拿走几条短裤和一件村衣，本想趁她没醒来时再放回去。
To my surprise .she was awake when I got back, but she didn't mention the clothes. We chatted about Jason's introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，"And how did Jason's teacher like my pajamas?"
让我吃惊的是，当我送儿子去幼儿园回来后，妹妹已经醒了。但她没找衣服的事儿。我们聊了聊儿子吉森在幼儿园做自我介绍的情况。最后，妹妹笑着并不动声色地问:“吉森的老师觉得我的睡衣怎徉?”
笑话是日常生活中人们消遣娱乐的一种常见语言现象,其目的在于在会话过程中传递和激发幽默感。阳光网小编分享超级搞笑的英语笑话，希望可以帮助大家!
超级搞笑的英语笑话： Second Mortgage
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on adiscrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourseyou answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
超级搞笑的英语笑话：The Theory of Evolution
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength androbustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones aregenetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
超级搞笑的英语笑话：Dominate Your Mate
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominatedtheir women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
超级搞笑的英语笑话：The Old Man
There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."
"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
超级搞笑的英语笑话：Breakdown
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
笑话性存在于以语音、书写或句法形式表示的英语言语笑话中。下面是阳光网小编带来的搞笑的英语笑话，欢迎阅读!
搞笑的英语笑话精选
放屁的问题Problem with gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but itdoesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact,I've farted(放屁) at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I wasfarting because they don't smell and are silent."
有位小老太太去看医生：“医生，我有爱放屁的毛病。其实也不是大问题，只是我放屁不臭而且没声音。事实上，我在这里已经放了20多个屁，但是你并不知道对吧，因为我的屁不臭，而且还没声音。”
The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven daysand come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back.
医生说：“好的，我明白了。吃这个药片，一天三次连续吃七天，下星期你再来。”
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although stillsilent... stink terribly."The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses(鼻窦) ,let's start working on your hearing."
一星期后老太太来了，“医生，你到底给的我什么药，现在我放屁还是没声音，但是怎么这么臭!”医生说：“太好了!你的嗅觉正常了，现在开始治听觉。”
搞笑的英语笑话阅读
Perfect Match绝 配
A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.一位富婆为拥有一只珍贵的古玩而深感骄傲，以至于她竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色，但是谁也没有能令那位怪癖的妇女满意。
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那妇女对他的成果非常满意，油漆匠于是一举成名。
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"多年以后，他退休了，生意也交给儿子。“爸，”儿子说，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么绝的?”
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."“儿子，”父亲回答说，“我漆了花瓶。”
关于搞笑的英语笑话
VideoJug gives you some handy hints on what to do stop that irritating person talking to youon a long-haul flight. Make them stop talking with these clever tips, and enjoy your peacefulflight.
长途飞行中，你的邻座喋喋不休不厌其烦地跟你讲话?VideoJug为你提供一些简便的方法，让他闭嘴!使用以下简单的小建议让邻座不再说个不停，享受平静的旅途!
Step 1: Sleep
1.睡觉
Pretend to go to sleep. To make sure they definitely get the message, put on your MP3 playerand your blow-up pillow and your eye mask and your ear plugs. Block Everything Out.
假装睡觉。确保他们确信无疑地了解这一点，戴上MP3，充气枕头，眼罩和耳塞。将外界的一切隔离。
Step 2: The flight attendant
2.空姐
Use the flight attendant to your advantage. Call her over to your seat and tell her to 'get thisfreak away from me'. When returning your food tray, advise her to wash her hands aftertouching it so she doesn't contract the highly contagious virus you picked up during yourrecent visit to the Amazon.
利用空姐。把空姐叫到座位旁边，告诉她“把这个怪人带走”。回收食物托盘的时候，建议她接触托盘之后洗手，这样她就不会感染最近游览亚马逊河时接触的很容易传染的细菌。
While you're at it, ask if you can get an upgrade on account of your health problems and thefact you may only have months to live.
向空姐咨询，由于健康问题，自己可否换乘更高级的舱位，因为你可能只有几个月的寿命了。
Step 3: Props
3.后盾
Even when stuck in your seat, you have several props at your disposal:
即使你被限制在座位上不能自由行走，你也有几个备用方案选择：
Go very quiet, start rummaging around for the sick bag and make loud retching noises into it.
非常安静地翻箱倒柜地寻找塑料袋，假装大声地向袋子里呕吐。
When you're given your food, make sure you throw it all over the place. Start answering backbut only when your mouth is full so it sprays all over them.
当你拿到自己的食物之后，大口咀嚼。如果对方喋喋不休，你可以在满嘴都是食物的时候回应他。这样食物残渣可能会喷他一脸!
Pull out the life jacket from under your seat and explain that you're just getting prepared asevery plane you've ever been on has crashed.
把救生衣从座位底下拉出来，向他解释，你要做好准备，因为你以往乘坐的每一架飞机都会出事!
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